Learning to Love My Natural Hair
Submitted by Tash (Big Sisters Club)
"I love my natural hair but my goodness it's so much work to manage" is a phrase I utter at least once a week. I would be rich for every time I've used natural hair and its manageability in one sentence.
I do love my hair, truly I do. But damn.
This is for all my curly- and coily-headed gals who:
constantly consider going bald
don't actually want to go bald because they think they'll look like an egg
believed that their natural hair wasn't beautiful
had their hair permed at a very young age and decided it was time to go natural
believed you can never have enough products to tame your hair
overthink hairstyles due to the horrors of rain, snow, humidity, and wind
embarrassingly smile when a weirdo stranger reaches out to touch your hair (yes, they are weirdos and this is a microaggression)
went in for the big chop and learning to love their TWAs
couldn't imagine having really short hair so opted for transitioning instead (like me)
you decided you prefer to perm your hair but those roots start to grow out the second they're laid down
stick to wearing protective styles such as braids, twists, faux locs etc. because you couldn't be bothered (also like me)
Lastly, just overall in the process of learning and unlearning how to take care of their natural hair
If this sounds like you at all, I think you'll relate very well to what I'm about to share. And if nothing here relates, then keep reading and learn and get educated about common experiences related to black women’s natural hair. It’s also important to note that this is MY personal experience. Everyone’s natural hair journey will look different; not every black woman has “gone natural” or struggles to accept their natural hair. We’re all so unique but it’s through the shared experiences that have helped many of us to heal and appreciate our natural hair.
My mom doing my hair for my uncle’s wedding back in Jamaica 2000.
My love/hate relationship stems as early as maybe 6 or 7 years old. That's the earliest I can remember when I understood the concept of hair.
It's just hair, right? But it's not. Hair is everything, especially for women and girls. Especially for little black girls. A lot of our beauty, and even likability, is defined by our hair. From the colours to the textures to the length, so many aspects play into what's considered "beautiful hair".
My earliest memories of my hair were that it wasn't beautiful. It was nappy. It was thick. But it was long. Getting my hair done felt like a chore. It was very much treated like a chore - something you don't want to do but you have to, you know?
My mother, the only daughter out of five children, was blessed with three beautiful girls and one boy - even though she longed for sons. Being that my closest sister in age was only 2 years younger than me, we shared a lot of different things. There was also a lot of comparison and contrast - which can be common amongst siblings in many aspects.
My younger sister and I at church in 2006. By then my hair was already permed at 8 years old.
Hair was always a topic because my sister and I had differing hair types. My hair was long, thick, and coarse (what we’d refer to now as 4B/4C patterns). Whereas I used to believe that my sister’s hair was also long, but thinner, shiny with looser curls (which is closer to what we’d consider 3B/3C texture).
Now, if you know anything about hair textures and how much it matters as a black girl, you’ll know how this scenario can pose some problems. In fact, this scale of “hair types” is just another way to further separate black people and box us in. It’s great to acknowledge the difference but it’s problematic to dictate how one should live, wear their hair, or products to use.
“COLOURISM WALKED SO TEXTURISM CAN RUN”
My hair was permed at 8 years old for a wedding where I was asked to be amongst the group of young bridesmaids. It felt nice to be one of the only black girls with hair long enough to wear in a curled ponytail on its own and not with a hairpiece or extension. I remember getting way more comments about how beautiful I was when my hair was permed vs when it was natural. As a result, it was ingrained in my mind from a very young age that chemically treating my hair this way is what made me more beautiful. I linked beauty to having straight hair.
The weekends dedicated to washing, detangling, and styling my hair were reduced to a few hours when my hair was permed. I was able to manage it on my own then and take away the burden from my mom. I hated the process of perming it - I couldn’t scratch or irritate my scalp in any way or the chemicals would burn my scalp and leave scabs (it usually did anyway). Sometimes it was left on too long so it would burn and I’d be running to the shower to wash it out. We couldn’t always afford to go to the hairdresser so often my mom would do it and then until I was about 14-15 years old I would do it myself - which was usually done poorly.
I would miss events because my hair wasn’t done and avoided swimming or certain sports activities when it was. I didn’t feel comfortable leaving the house when my natural hair was grown out and I also refused to sweat out my new perm when it was. As I type this story it sounds ridiculous that my life was revolving around my hair and the struggles to upkeep this unnatural style. It definitely impacted my self-esteem.
Through the self-hate, the perms, the texturizers, the frustration, the tears, my hair did not change. It’s still thick and tightly coiled. For most of my childhood, I wished for thinner and looser-curled hair. Regardless of my hair being more manageable, I preferred the look of natural hair but I didn’t want my type of natural hair. I wanted my hair to be more like my sisters, more like my friends, more like the women I saw on T.V. and in magazines. I truly believed my natural hair was not beautiful.
Here’s a picture of my hair in January 2016 where you can really see the transition of my natural roots vs the permed ends.
In October 2015, I made the decision to try going natural. It was a phenomenon at the time. A lot of black women and YouTubers were starting this journey. I believe at this point my last perm was in August 2015 just before I left to live on my university’s campus. My hair grows so fast that by October I was due for another touch-up (basically chemically treating my hair to make it straight again at the roots where new natural hair grows; often referred to as “new growth”). The last time I tried to perm my own hair, I burned my scalp really bad and decided I would never try it again. I decided to grow it out and see. My hair was just below shoulder length, it had stringy ends, and it became more and more difficult to manage as the new growth started coming through.
This was taken the day after I dyed my hair. I did a lot of braid outs to try and blend the 2 textures.
By May 2016, I had literally 2 very distinct textures throughout my hair. Half was my natural, tighter coils and the other half was the stringy, permed ends. By this point, I had even dyed my hair red to see the new growth easier and get a sense of how fast my natural hair was growing in. After I washed it and began to detangle my hair (a lengthy process), I got so frustrated that I broke down crying.
I was so desperate for long hair that I felt like I was holding on to an older part of me. I made the decision to love and nurture my natural hair and after 10 months of growing it out, I was tired of trying to accommodate two ways of living. It sounds dramatic but consider this: You don’t pump regular gas in a car that needs premium oil. You don’t squeeze a 4-year old into a 2-year-old’s baby clothes. So why was I trying to grow & manage two very different textures of my hair? One needed so much attention and love, and the other, neglected, was starting to fall out anyway (i.e. the permed ends).
I cut it. I cut all the permed ends off.
I thought I would be sadder after this. But the joy I felt after cutting it was indescribable. My hair was so short, the shortest it’s ever been in my life. But I was content. I was so excited to focus on this new hair, I used to hate and despise. I started seeing my natural hair as a gem to be cherished instead of a burden to get rid of.
Fast forward to today, I’ve learned so much about my hair and learned so much more about myself.
I’ve learned new styles, especially how to do more protective styles and hairstyles that accommodate my busy schedule.
I stopped using products I felt weren’t making my hair feeling soft and healthy.
I took comments about my hair with a grain of salt and focused as much as I can on how I viewed and loved my hair.
I didn’t subscribe to any set routines or change my routines too often - I did what felt right at that moment for my hair.
I loved my hair and tried my best to only speak positively about my hair.
Just remember that your hair is your hair. Do what makes you feel good and what you want to do with it. There’s a lot of “tips & tricks” to achieve long, healthy hair, but the best way I think you can is by being in tune with it and giving it what it needs.
Learn about what matters - porosity and density will better help you to determine what products or treatments your hair needs instead of the “texture type” of hair you have.
Loving and caring for your natural hair is a form of self-love and self-care.
Eventually, I plan to cut my hair short just because I can. Maybe I’ll start the journey over again, maybe I’ll leave it short and rock cute little styles. But I’ve grown to love my hair so much that as long as I nurture her the way she needs, I can do whatever I want with it and still feel good about her. I still get frustrated when it doesn’t cooperate but instead, I let it be. I don’t force it to do styles or anything that can cause further breakage (on the hair) and stress (on myself).
I hope that the sharing of my natural hair journey inspires you to stay the course and learn to truly love and embrace your natural hair because it’s beautiful just the way it is!
Feel free to check out the various photos of my hair over the years to see the different styles and lengths below.
Leave a comment if you can relate or if you want to share your experience with natural hair.
Love your big sister,
Tash🖤
