How I Overcame My Hatred for Being a Big Sister

Oh, how I dreaded the days of being told I have to be a role model and look out for my siblings. I am the eldest of four children and it was a difficult time accepting this involuntary role of “the big sister”. I wasn’t just an older sister but I was also one of the eldest of my cousins and was basically deemed an unofficial leader.

I didn’t like the pressure of being told that I’m a role model and that those younger than me are constantly looking up to me. Everything I did was to set an example whether good or bad. And in some odd way, I felt like I was a prototype child. Like a "let’s test out our parenting on her and see how it goes” prototype. I was never asked to be perfect but like you know, try to get as close as possible. I felt that I had to grow quicker than others and assume a lot of responsibility that I wasn’t particularly cut out for. I made a lot of mistakes. A LOT. Unfortunately, I really had to figure out a lot on my own.

I found myself trying to create my own “big sister” through looking up to girls older than myself that I aspired to be like or thought had it all together. But it’s never the same because hanging out with someone verses living with them was and will always be two completely different things. I guess I just wanted someone that I could talk to about my dilemmas with that could relate and give me advice on how to get through it. Only in recent years did my mother start to create an environment where I could share my feelings. And even then, not everything you can discuss with your big sister would you dare share with your mom.

In all honesty, it just didn’t feel right to complain to her because she had a really rough childhood herself; one that I could never even imagine living. I didn’t want to come off as ungrateful. But I really wanted to be selfish. I wanted my attention to be about just me and less about what I could do for others. I wanted to only look out for myself and no one else. Sounds horrible I know.

It wasn’t until recently that I noticed how many young girls (even some my own age and older) viewed me as a role model. I noticed how much they appreciated me and my willingness to be open and understanding. I think this revelation didn’t settle in until I left home to start my studies for my undergrad, where I lived on campus for 4 years and even more so when I lived in France for over four months on an exchange. I was constantly told how my presence was missed and the different dynamics without me always being there. It’s like I had convinced myself that my only role was to do for others but no one had said what they missed me doing for them, just simply that they missed me. 

If you’re a big sister like me or play a role model in any girl’s life, recognize that your position as a big sister was and currently is impactful. It’s a difficult yet honourable role to play and shouldn’t be seen in a negative light.

Had I known this when I was younger, I probably would’ve been nicer to my siblings. I’d spend more time enjoying their company and accepting that they look up to me no matter how either of us chose to see it. I probably would’ve communicated my feelings more and truly express myself. I think my siblings heard me break down and cry for the first time ever a few months ago and was so surprised I could even react like this. I would tell my parents how much pressure they put on me and how it pushed me to be an overachiever and a perfectionist, which only turned me into an anxious person when even the slightest things went south. I was scared of what others would think or how unsuccessful they’d say I’ve become. Now graduating from university, I’m developing this anxiety to get started in my career and be super successful because I don’t want those looking up to me to see me as a failure.

Don’t take a role model to be someone that’s perfect and can’t make mistakes. It’s okay to be vulnerable and be open with your struggle. I’m serious. The pressure is on, the lights hit the stage, and you forget that you’re still allowed to be yourself. In fact, your peers and loved ones will respect you more for being as authentic as possible. It might even provide them ease because they will look up to you as a real person that happens to be moving through typical life events before they do.

Strive to be the best version of yourself while also sharing your accomplishments and setbacks. You don’t need to jump on social media and share every detail. But if you’re questioned or complimented about your achievements or even just being told about who you should be, remind them that you’re only human. Just be real with them. This approach will make it easier for your mental health and you can focus more on just being you and not being a version others are expecting you to be.

I’ve grown to love my role as a big sister. And although it may get challenging, I find new ways to express my struggle and be authentic. I believe my younger siblings appreciate it when I’m more open when I’m being my authentic self. I’m more relatable, I’m easier to talk to, and I’m less judgemental.

Giving yourself a break will most likely give them a break to because they’re most likely striving to reach standards you’ve set as the older sibling or resenting you for how perfect you try to make your life seem. In both cases, they can just be themselves since they see their role model just being themselves, too.

I share my experience in hopes of relieving someone else from this issue. You’re not alone and your feelings are valid. It’s okay to not always be okay. It’s completely normal to feel the pressure as a big sister. Use your role as a learning and growing experience instead of shying away and being resentful like I was. And if you absolutely love being a big sister and always have, keep being your amazing self and embracing it. I’ve come to enjoy being a big sister and I hope to continue being a role model to my siblings and younger girls.

Love your big sister,

Tash🖤