The Need to Rediscover Yourself

It's not a good feeling to always feel unmotivated. To others, I’ve always seemed to "have my life together", which if I could ban this phrase from its existence I would. There's no such thing as having your life together.

We're way too dynamic. Life itself is filled with so many aspects that I truly believe it's impossible to have everything in order.

The phrase is often accompanied by a set of standards that most people kill themselves trying to live by. No, we can't all work high paying jobs, or live in big houses, or drive expensive cars, and secure a life partner by 30. This ideology is weird. If we’re all so different, why would we all be after the same goals? I want to focus on being happy. We all should focus on being happy. Is that not what life should really be about? 

I always think of my child self and how outspoken, unapologetic and fearless I was. Little by little I started to carve out a box around who I should be - for what reason I don't even know...to protect myself? Fit society's standard? Live up to the expectations of others? It makes it even more difficult when you're a black girl because you already have to face the prejudgments of others about your skin and gender before you even open your mouth. 

I want to get back to that little girl. And through travelling, I was able to rediscover her. Always in a new place and meeting new people. 

I really enjoyed travelling. I've been blessed to study abroad for one semester in Lille, France and I think about my experience every day. But the adjustment back to my Canadian life has been much more difficult than I anticipated. 

Where I think some people have the idea of "running from yourself" by always changing environments, I found that through connecting with others so different from yourself in so many aspects, you can more clearly define who you really are. It's like you're starting over.

No one has preconceived notions of who you are or what you're about; where they heard you from or what area of the city you reside in. You are just you. And in many cases, much of the other travellers you meet are seeking to rediscover and be true to themselves as well. 

I hate hearing, "you have your life together". I know I said that already but I'm saying it again. I truly despise it. This phrase I hear so often from my peers and family. It only translates to me that they only see the beauty of being organized and constantly striving for new success. 

They don't see the constant anxiety and pressure of overthinking every little life choice hoping that the process I chose to narrow down my final decision doesn't cause me to fall back into a whirlwind of anxious thoughts the second a doubt creeps in my mind.

My brain is never off. It's hard to focus. I think a lot; mainly about stuff I can't control. I'm always mentally exhausted. I get mad and panic at the smallest things but force myself to keep it inside for fear that someone wouldn't understand.

My most agitated states are simply from a lack of sleep or rest because I decided to spend 5 hours of the 8 hours I needed overthinking a scenario; a situation that either already happened and nothing can be done about it or hasn't even happened yet and doesn't ever end up happening.

I panic. I worry. I stress. But, "girl you have your life together", so how dare I complain about what goes on in my mind when someone asks "what's wrong?". 

Don't be afraid to remind people that not all that glitters is gold. Tell them your life isn't as glamorous as they claim it to be. They don't need the details, but they need to know that your accomplishments felt, at some points, impossible to achieve and the anxious thoughts of it would drive you insane.

It's only when I explain the underlying work I put in did people stop having such high expectations of me. But most importantly it's when I would start explaining this to myself. 

My exchange helped me to see things about myself that I wouldn't have noticed otherwise. For example, I struggle setting boundaries because I was always labelled bitchy or bossy for doing so; I overwork myself on everything I do because I've been conditioned that perfection is the ultimate goal and anything short of this is a failure; I seek validation from others because I can't accept that someone doesn't like me or what I have to offer. I could go on and on but these stood out the most. 

I started to see the shift in my friends and family through their reactions to my rediscovered nerving spirit. Some even would take offence. But being abroad I didn't have to worry about offending someone or seeming "off" by being my true self. I could just be myself.

If I didn't like something, it was noted. Boundaries were set. My self-expression and honesty weren't suppressed or questioned. Instead, it was all admired. I felt good being liked for exactly who I was. Not some adapted version of myself that accumulated over the years from my various experiences. 

It’s rewarding to rediscover yourself. Older adults are notoriously telling younger people to do what they love because your life will start to have more limitations after marriage, children, major financial commitments, etc. Even at my young age, I advise you to do the same.

I think the older you are the harder it gets but age should never be an excuse to not start over or make drastic changes to your life. If anything it could be more of a supporting factor to embark on your passion. So you don't waste a second more missing out on what you want. You're good just the way you are, but you'd be even greater doing what you truly love to do. 

Find ways to rediscover yourself. You don't have to go abroad as I did. You can start by getting back to the things that truly made you happy or making more time for the things that currently do. Make it a continuous effort to seek out what you love to do and what makes you who you are. Find your inner child.

We are only given this one life so it’s important that we live a fulfilling life so that in the end we don’t feel regretful for letting the years past us without trying something new or evolving into someone bigger than ourselves. It's difficult and feels uncomfortable but it's a necessary step to where you want to go if you want to be happy. 

​Love your big sister,

Tash🖤