Know The Power In You
It's so important that we understand our value and worth. We need to know what we bring to the table.
For the first time, I felt empowered to negotiate the contract offer for my first job. I didn't get everything I requested in my initial counteroffer but it instilled in my employer that I know my worth and the value I will be bringing to the company.
As women, especially women of colour, we're already more susceptible to be paid less than what we are worth even while still exceeding the requirements of the job. In her book, Women Don't Ask, Linda Babcock concluded a study that only 7% of women negotiate their first salary compared to an astounding 57% by men (Muse, 2019). I believe this also plays into the already prominent gender wage gap where women by default are paid less than men for the same role. So always negotiate to ensure you're being compensated and recognized for your value!
"Power is not given to you. You have to take it." - Beyonce
Owning your power doesn't limit to career aspirations. It's just as important (if not more) to know your worth in romantic relationships, friendships, family relationships, volunteer opportunities, motherhood and more. The sad truth about giving to someone is that not everyone will recognize or even care to ensure they're giving enough in return. You don't necessarily enter contracts with your parents, siblings, or friends. But in many cases, the lack of recognition of your worth and the lessened treatment received because of this can negatively impact your relationship. Often, the one who knows their power has the upper hand and creates an imbalance in the relationship.
To give a personal, but positive example, the relationship I have with my mother compared to most women I talk to is rare. We're very close and share almost anything. I can talk to her like a friend but still, have respect and boundaries of a mother-daughter relationship. She’s done everything in her power to ensure I grow into the woman I’m destined to become. Luckily for me, my mother has given me the power to be who I am but more importantly, recognizes my power.
Throughout the last few years, I’ve learned to never back down to prove that I deserve the best treatment and respect (which is, of course, reciprocated to her as my mother). My father, grandparents, and other family members more recently have realized that I'm not just a child; my driven spirit and passion to accomplish every- and anything I can in this world shows through in my personality (I would say being a Sagittarius can probably help explain the fire in me since I'm a fire sign haha).
I’m now perceived by some as a force to be reckoned with and an individual that most people will want to reconsider or think harder about how they approach/treat me because I know my worth and I’m constantly learning to speak up for myself. I know my ability to “shake the table” and for some that prefer to live by the status quo will always see different ways of living life as an attack on their beliefs.
It’s very common for young women in the family to be disregarded and treated as a difficult case when they challenge other members and bring light to situations where they’re being disrespected. Although this stems from many cultural (and some cases even religious) implications, it doesn’t excuse the negative behaviour imposed upon us. Your family usually just wants the best for you, so the intention isn’t necessarily bad. But the way they go about recognizing you and respecting you plays a much, much, MUCH bigger role in how your relationship with them will be impacted.
This is why it’s so important for you to know your worth; know the power you hold and ensure you're being met halfway. Often we may feel powerless in certain scenarios and that really shouldn't be the case. You can have positive, healthy relationships with others where both parties can understand and respect the power each other holds.
With that said, here are some ways I’ve learned to know and believe in my value. This is the start of leveraging your power - you need to affirm yourself of what you provide to yourself and others to see the power within you.
Know Your Value
What do you bring to the table?
I want to help you know your value. Knowing your value will boost your self-confidence and self-esteem. Not knowing how much you’re worth can lead to being manipulated by someone else who knows how valuable you are but because you don’t, they can use you to their advantage or even exploit you.Identify your values - start by writing down 3-5 values. Ask yourself “what do I value most in life?” It can be in any context, career-wise, relationship-wise, what you bring to different friendships - doesn’t matter. You can make separate lists if they differ across contexts.
Your value reflects what you value - make connections to how the things you value match the value you provide to other people. Most of the time, I’ve found that your value aligns with what you value. For instance, I value independence and autonomous thought. Therefore, when I’m working with others in a professional setting I like to express my own thoughts on something, even if it’s different from most of the group. In friendships, I often seek out my own endeavours outside of my friends. Going to an event on my own because I want to network with new people is better for me than to go with a group where I feel more inclined to only chat amongst my friends.
This is just one of many examples but it shows how my value of independence and autonomy shows through naturally in how I live my life. If I didn’t know this, I would feel pressured to always agree with my co-workers at work or only attend events that my friends would be interested in, completely neglecting my desired opportunities. The value I provide to others is that my opinion is from my own understanding and that I can bring my own perspective and contribution to a discussion. I can network with others and seek out opportunities on my own. See how that works? Remember that knowing your value doesn’t equal to cockiness or over-confidence. Be firm but stay kind to those around you and respect their values as well.
Believe in Your Value
How does what you bring benefit yourself or others?
You can’t just know your value but you have to believe in it too! These are not the same concepts. This applies to others knowing your value but not necessarily believing in you. Very few people will believe in you if you don’t strive to believe in yourself.
Reflect on Your Value - constantly reflect. This is an ongoing process. As humans, we’re dynamic individuals. We are never the same person even within ourselves. Once you’ve identified your value, you need to start believing it. In my experience, this is the harder part.
External Validation Tips - If you’re a person that seeks outward validation (e.g. you need to hear affirmations from others), reflect on the times your value benefitted someone else. What did they say to you? How did they react? Did they come back to you for more? Are they in a better position after you’ve helped them? Regardless of the task, this is an easier way to help you to believe in the value you provide to others based on evidence of how you’ve impacted them. It also helps to explicitly ask friends, family, co-workers: “What value do I bring to your life?”.
Internal Validation Tips - If you’re someone that needs self-validation (like myself) then you’ll probably need to work on affirming yourself in a way that you can understand. I personally believe everyone should strive for inner validation, especially in an environment where you’re surrounded by negativity. I think it’s harder when you have competing voices in your head that are negative but what I’ve started doing is proposing “what-if statements”. We’ll use the same values of independence and anonymous thought to keep things simple. Sometimes my negative thoughts will sound like:
You only choose to be independent because you’re scared to depend on others…
What if I’m independent because I like the freedom of living my chosen life?
Having differing opinions makes you problematic and poses problems in your team…
What if it’s my differing opinion that helps the team to see things from a different perspective outside of what they currently believe?
You will always struggle in life to find a partner because you’re too independent…
What if my ability to be independent ensures that I won’t be too reliant on my partner. What if my independence prevents me from losing myself and not knowing my self-worth when it comes time to find one?
These are some of the negative thoughts I’ve had about valuing my independence coupled with some examples of “what-ifs” I say to myself to debunk that negativity. This confirms my belief in my value. I’m providing my own evidence with my own thought process to believe in what I already know. I’m using my own words to restore belief in what I know to be true. Every answer we seek is already within us, we just have to have the understanding and patience to recognize how powerful our mind is. It might take some practice but know that believing in your value is constant effort so don’t get down on yourself if you don’t see it just yet.
Knowing your power starts from within. You will have to first establish with yourself what your value is and what it means to provide that value. Explore how your value assists others and how you believe in your value. Hopefully, these tips will help you find different ways on how you can regain your power in situations where there seems to be an imbalance. We all have a little power inside of us but it's up to us to let the world know and not let them dictate what we deserve or don't deserve.
Love your big sister,
Tash🖤