A Rainy Season

Submitted by Lesley Tetteh

But I am always thinking about my future life. We all do that, right? I often ask myself questions:

Did I accomplish a lot? Absolutely.

Am I where I want to be in life? Absolutely, not.

Where do I want to be in life? I am not entirely sure.   

Not too long ago, I thought I was on top of the world, because I was confident that I overcame my internal struggles, healed from past trauma, forgave myself for countless mistakes, and I was ready to move forward and reclaim the life I once thought belonged to me. These thoughts are what I assumed made me prepared to lead, to influence, to make a purposeful impact. I went all in. Plunged headfirst in anticipation of what I thought I was ready for, but I thought wrong... 

It took a pandemic for me to realize that I was not ready, nor did I actually have much control of my life. Working my ass off, engaging in almost a million things to keep busy, and pushing beyond my normal limit for the sake of successful productivity gave me the assurance I needed, so I viewed this lifestyle as the right path. That was my motivation without assurance, but I only chose to endure what I ignored. 

I buried myself deep, while something held me back and I was restrained. Restricted from being who I wanted to be, so I thought.

What I buried was fear.

Fear is a dangerous part of us. It holds us back from who we are, potentially, what we want to achieve and what we want to become. We let so many external factors contribute to fear, believing it is a source that motivates us. 

For many people, it does. For some, it is equally hazardous.

For me, I feared never being enough.

I feared failure.

I feared uncertainty.

I feared losing control of my life. I feared being behind in life. 

I thought I was able to use these fears to my advantage. Instead, I disrespected myself, by ignoring my own boundaries. I became more fearful of the inevitable, that I would not accomplish anything. If I did not take on what was essentially not meant for me, I had let fear win. Fear of being an underachiever got the best of me. I allowed certain people to disrespect my boundaries because I respected them more than myself. 

Evidently, the height of the pandemic was when my fears also heightened. I obligated myself to do more. I asked myself, ‘Do I know where I want to be in life?’ More times than I needed to because fears come with crippling uncertainties. I tried my best to suppress the feeling of fear, ignoring the repercussions, and save face. 

Having a complete burnout, I had a realization that being riddled in fear is beyond dangerous.

Last year was the most challenging. Being limited from what I was used to, adjusting to a new normal that is steadily adapting itself, I became more anxious than I ever felt before. Alternatives were not working for me and wrapping my mind around expectations was just as exhausting. Eventually, I burnt out.

My mental health, drastically, deteriorated. I no longer show up how I used to. The things I once loved; I no longer love. My energy is depleted. My strong will to overcome even the darkest moments I had, is weakened, now, operating at less than ten percent.

As I write this, I decided to use the ten percent to be kinder to myself. I have used the ten percent to acknowledge that, although I may not have control of my life’s circumstances, I have control over my thoughts, and how I chose to respond.

Ten percent towards acceptance of this season in my life. It is all part of the never-linear healing process. I should no longer fear going through the motions, but actively rise to the challenge with curiosity.

At this point in time, I have decided to take the reins of my fear in life. I am doing so, by acknowledging that even if you think you are moving forward, overthinking, and anticipating all your fears, can and will only hold you back. Fear does not attract what you want to happen. Mind over matter is of utmost importance. 

I choose to use the ten percent to just be. To be still in one moment in time. 

I choose to accept that the life I deserve, it will come to me naturally, without added pressure and pursuit. I reset and become the one I am destined to be. I am budding and blooming. I am still learning and growing too.

It is okay to reset.

It is okay to step back.

It is okay to say no.

It is okay to start over.

It is okay to cry.

It is okay to ask questions.

It is okay to change your mind.

It is okay to admit that you need help.

It is okay to disappear until you feel like you again.

It is okay to fail & try again.

It is okay to put you first.

I will love and trust. 

This is what I continue to work on, as I reset and recharge my resilient battery.